i'm back from outer space

You'll find it hiding in shadows
You'll find it hiding in cupboards
It will walk you home safe every night
It will help you remember

If that's way it is
Then that's the way it is

I still feel you and the taste of cigarettes
What could I ever run to
Just tell me it's tearing you apart
Just tell me you cannot sleep

And you didn't even notice
When the sky turned blue
And you couldn't tell the difference
Between me and you
And I nearly didn't notice
The gentlest feeling

You are the bluest light

these last six months have been the longest years of my life.
my hands are tied.

and there is no thing
i can do
without your penance and presence
touching me with words that must be spoken
with earnest, with faith.
that you can not give me, that you can not give yourself.
i feel like i've left you ten thousand times over.

and so it seems that i will
move inexorably faster and forward
eyes closed and fixated
on a past on a future

i will be fine, and continue to be
some goal-oriented adult,
but in all honesty
i will have always wanted
the words that you won't grace me with,
the faith that you will not permit yourself to have in you,
in me.
the action.

the promise.

i am being what i feel like being and doing what i feel like doing
and i feel selfish and unsure but these are not things that matter to me much as of late.

everyone else has gone their own kind of crazy, and i will go mine for awhile. but lately i have considered things, and i think all this craziness is born out of sadness.

for me, this could turn out badly, really badly. but i don't care, when i feel like it's something i have to do.

i feel like i can always say
i've crawled home from worse than this.

still i hope that things can be good for me, and the people i care about. i hope things will be better. this is always the hard part, the beginning. how awkward.

okay, i've done everything right this semester. every fucking thing. i got perfect grades, took the hard road, and made all the hard decisions i didn't want to make.

and now i have the most intense urge to be self-destructive, and do everything wrong for myself.

i feel like i don't have words anymore.

today sucked. i spent 4 and a half hours in the computer lab working on my pr319 project. and after media law i dropped my phone and broke the screen part off, so i'm currently phoneless.

next tuesday i have a presentation in poli sci on a 10 page paper i havent written.
next thursday i have a 10 page paper due in media ethics, and a 10 page paper due in poli sci AND a media law final worth 60% of my grade. i also start my job at the bookstore monday.

so dead week is pretty much my finals week. i only have one final during finals week and it doesn't really matter.
i'm stressed.

the pilgrim and indian massacre was amazing. afterwards caity frail and i rented palindromes and a bad documentary about bingo and almost fell asleep on her living room floor. going to blockbuster dressed as an indian was fun, but i didn't make an friends.

in less than a week i will be on a plane to kansas
and out of west virginia

which will be relieving in a number of ways

i think i just need to be away from here so i can gain some perspective. i've been caught up in so much stress from school, and relationships. i know being away will give me some clarity and room to breathe. that's how it always is.

but until then i have a paper to rewrite, two 10 page papers to start, and a pr portfolio i've been neglecting, not to mention work at my shit job.

which i am officially quitting sometime in the very near future.

media law midterm = 99
documentary midterm = 101
media ethics proposal rewrite = approved

I think i'll even get that C i got in Psych 231 last semester appealed to a B if everything goes accordingly.

I've lost a bunch of weight and i haven't had alcohol in over 3 weeks. Things are going swimmingly with school. Halloween is this weekend. I'm as happy as is possible right now.


.
i slammed the car into a tree so we wouldn't go over the cliff. okay.

i am frustrated because i
keep having acid reflux which results in me waking up in the middle of the night and puking
my birth control has fucked up my period
i'm having trouble sleeping

it annoys me because i have been much healthier as of late, going to the rec center or jogging every day, and strictly dieting. yes, i've lost weight but it looks like in a lot of aspects my body is fucked up right now.

maybe i should just ditch the birth control. it's not like i'm getting laid anyway.

i did awesomely on my midterms; 99 in media law and im pretty sure i got over 100 on my documentary midterm.

i've been working a lot harder on school things lately. a 4.0 this semester would be wonderful

i've got to get my gpa up from a 3.6 to a 3.7 if i want to have any chance of getting into a good law school. i started this year thinking it would be my last real year of academics before grad school. i only have 12 classes left to graduate and i figured my senior year i could take all kinds of nonsense like dance and underwater basket weaving and just drink a lot. but now i'm realizing that im going to have to take a lot of philosophy and political science so it looks like i really am interested in law. And of course, the LSAT, which im going to need months of preparation for if i have any hope of doing well. sometimes i really wonder whether any of this bullshit is worth it.

then i think about things, and look at the hell hole minimum wage ice cream shop i work in. the cold stone creamery is a constant reminder for me as to why college is necessary.

i'm feeling very fickle about school right now. it's like my classes seem easy but i keep fucking up on stupid assignments, mainly because i don't really care. I got my progressive era reform paper back yesterday in poli sci and it was a B-. I know that's not a bad grade per se, but it's the lowest grade i've ever recieved on a paper ever i think. bleh. oh well, i think i did well on my midterms up to this point, so i'm going to let myself feel better once i get those back as i assume they are A's.

tonight i'm going out with my parents for my mom's birthday, and then i'm heading to fright farm with lucy and etc.

and tomorrow i get to go see US Supreme Crt Justice Ginsberg speak, which i am pathetically excited about. lucy's ex-boyfriend is picking me up... imagine that.

i'm also hardcore dieting and exercising. it was time; i've felt so unhealthy as of late. i'm also not drinking until halloween. i'm sure a lot of people are going to doubt me on that one, but it's FOREAL.

on that note,
EFFING URBAN OUTFITTERS AND UPS, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LOSE MY ADDRESS?! NOW I HAFTA WAIT AN EXTRA DAY TO GET MY SWEET BASTARD CHILD TEAL BOOTS!

tomorrow i'm going to cleveland with caity, lucy, mollie and brett to see weezer. i am thoroughly excited to get away from morgantown for a day or two. when i get back i have serious unending work and studying to do. i also just ordered boots i've wanted for 3 months off of urban outfitters. and i do believe i'm going to go buy a new stereo because mine is an asshole. god, it feels good to be self-centered. granted, it also feels out of character. but i think i'll go with it for a few more weeks.

erik is moving to philadelphia in a few days. so it's goodbye again. it's been a weird three weeks.

i was thinking about how important erik has been to me. two summers ago he inadvertently helped me through some of the worst times of my life. i can't say that about anyone else. i'm glad he's doing something irrational.

i remember how we used to get trashed before work and then be too trashed to even go to work. and we would smoke and i would say things that didn't make sense and he would write them down. there was something cathartic about some of the things we did. i think because we became friends when i was finally tired of being good and pleasing my parents; when i was being a lush and a tease and unattached.

with everything else the only thing i wonder is when the ratio changed from
me
over
everything

to

[some thing]
over
me

something clicked when i was talking with my mother and she said

if i don't let myself be happy now,
then when?

i think i'm doing well because honestly, i've been getting over things for two months now.

It has finally started to feel like you are always leaving me
Although this has always been the way it has been with you and i
But only now am I attuned to the signs
Of a door falling silently shut.

I surely love you, but I don’t know for how long
When I am waiting around for bad things and the worst days to happen
It really does degrade the romance potential of every second
And every hard won moment of the here and there days we share
until I’ve got to start pretending I am out of love

I never want to feel like I’m biding your time
I just thought maybe this time around
It would be all the hand holding I never had at sixteen
Something cautious and honest to make breathing easy but.

but
When you swivel around and next I know
It has gotten harder and serious and sexy
Like I am some grown-up that should take care
To display my graces before my fuck ups

Like when we baked cupcakes
And you told me things were going to be
As good as they could be

Like when you said so severely
you and me
i can tell we will be
We will be for a long time

And now you leave after days and hours compiled on end together
and it is more of an abandonment and I will think
About times we baked cupcakes
and the first time you said i love you
Or when you spun me around on your desk chair and
How we had fights with donuts and you smeared chocolate in my hair
Together

But this is all hard to swallow in the light of an empty space anticipated in my hands and heart
Coming closer by the promised days and weeks apart
I gulp with some strange anxiety and wonder when
You will make your move, or when I will make mine so bravely/so stupidly

Or I wonder how many more times I’ll see you leave
Until you have left for the last time. for the first time
I feel like
Sugar, you and I,
we are a long way from forever

circa 22 august 2005


Forever is over and it was from the beginning from the very first time you said i like your face. your hair. your lips. your wit. When you got in the car and drove away and i knew the sinking feeling was going to be a familiar one. And it can forever be forever documented as a huge leap away from some abyss where we are not permitted. forever.

it's a funny thing to say i love you anymore. because after the words come a lover who buys it all; picks the gun and the bullet. when naive lips moving don't have a feeling of what they're really moving

So here's the mirage of romance and coyclevermadeplans. Set in stone hands in hand, and hearts crazy and young; uninhibited, lost, genuine until promises can't be kept. and we'll go down. go down fast and hard or slow and swinging when it becomes something less than all time and all space.

i speak straight to myself in my head saying you could have
done and said and felt anything anytime and forever
and it would not equate to another worthwhile day of this
indecision and lack of feeling anything close to Infinite
or Loved.

unresolute is the theme of my life right now

i am going to
have sex
get my heart broken
be successful
work
fall out of love

all in a future that i can not yet grasp
things are guaranteed to me, but are yet without beginning or end

it's like waiting forever, for something tangible
in the near future, but still
defined as forever
because it can not be held on to

i have nothing to say about any of it really
except that

i know having sex is not the best thing for me to do
not because i'm catholic or guilty

but because i am me and it will mean too much
although sometimes i think i might be okay
for it just meaning what it needs to

for it just being the extermination of my virginity
because it's hard to go on like this
virginal and vulnerable
because sometimes i don't feel like i am either of those

it's full circle again
to self-destructive and unhealthy
but this time i don't think i'll be as hurt
which leaves me bewildered

from the beginning i have been in this
kind of love that is soft and cautious
and i feel like maybe it should hurt a lot more
knowing it is ending or will be in time

but thus far i have overcome the melancholy days
and i don't have it in me to cry about it anymore
when i cried about tom forever and after
until mitchell kissed me

after this i think it's safe to say that
i will not want to fall in love again
until i find the boy i'm going to marry

but my sexual appetite will remain
insatiable, unfullfilled
although i may or may not
fuck a lifetime away


all i mean to say is
it's been a long time of broken promises
and stupid stupid games
and i'm not the same but not terribly different

less confused, less easily hurt, and smarter
you've had the best of me

i look back and there is europe. there is nothing i can do or say here for awhile that will mean much of anything in comparison. i have not had the time to contemplate or understand what the past month has done to me. people ask me 'so- tell me about it. what did you do?' and i don't have any kind of sufficient answer. my parents keep pushing for details, but i don't know what to say. i feel like the sites meant nothing and the people meant everything. but you don't say that to parents like mine, when they paid $4,000 for you to see a lot of monuments and baroque sculptures.

i job hunt during the day and come home to sit around my new apartment, and feel shitty, because i am not productive, and as hard as a try i have yet to find employment. of course, at this point i realize that by monday i will be slaving at the fucking coldstone creamery and that's a bit of fist to my jaw.

as far as i can tell, my parents have written me off somewhat, which is fair. and fine. i guess i have to grow up sometime, but it's not something i'm going to ever really want, even after it happens

all i can put into words right now is that i do not know who i am at all, and i won't know for a very long time. i know my disposition, my personality, what i want here and now. but not what i want forever. i am not one of those people who gets married and has children by the age of 25.

et j'ai une question;
sigh.

This thanksgiving was something unfamiliar and comforting.
I ate a lot and I curled up on the couch and I napped for 4 hours.
I woke back up only to eat more and watch football.

My family didn’t bother me today, not at all.
And somehow I knew driving here that things would be good & better.

I like who I am by myself. I like who I am without you.
What was I thinking, letting you convince me that those other girls were prettier or better? I am more than you ever gave me credit for. if you didn’t want to acknowledge that you should’ve written me off at 15. I’m no trashy redhead. I have more class than you deserve.

And I’m still having sex dreams about you, go figure.
This insomnia pushes me to the point where I believe
I guess I’ll be sending you a Christmas card.

well, i've accomplished nothing thus far on break. i have ridiculous amounts of work to do. i'm sure i'll get it done eventually. i'll get my 3.8/4.0. i want to care about my grades, but i'm not sure that i actually do. it's more a matter of going through a set of motions, and keeping my parents at bay.

and then what? winter break, that's what. i go to new york the day after finals. something different, a change of scenery. then i'll come back home to this feeling, and no school work to distract me.

i have really grown to hate christmas, and the reasons why have grown so complex that i don't know them. there is a sense of satisfaction i get, knowing that this time, i can focus on me and not on him. and it won't be the same kind of lonely, that i've felt for the past 4 years in december. maybe this year will be something different. for the first time ever, i'm not spending xmas with the extended family at my grandmother's. they just sold the house.

maybe it's also foolish to think that my feelings will change just because of location. but for me that's often the case. love certainly knows its boundaries, geography matters. my heart is growing up. or wearing out.

i think there are so many do-overs in life, that we don't realize there are any at all. then we inadvertently fuck them all up.

i'm thinking i did the right thing, by not doing anything. it's not something i could ever get off my chest, and i wonder, who was i ever fooling? i have all these things pinned to me that i can't bring myself to pin on other people. i'm not complaining. i deserve it for being such an over-dramatic girl, with the inability to confess having any truth to her feelings. and you know, i don't know that anyone could tell me anything to make me believe that any feeling i have is ever anything close to legitimate. i'll hold things against the world in silence, nonetheless.

this blogging thing just gets more and more cryptic. this week will be over soon, and i won't mind.

sucking it up. school is fine. other things aren't but i am appreciative of emotions unrelated to tom, regardless. i always end up back here. cover it up. and even if i wanted to expose my feelings i just can't speak the words. i remember at the beginning of speeches, my throat would tense and the first five words were hard to push out, unless i could find some focal point. focusing on school, grades, boys, politics, alcohol is a sorry excuse for a way out. i know it and i don't expect it to go anywhere, but i'd rather do it than not. the point is, i'm not denying how i feel about things anymore, but that doesn't mean i could ever let anyone know that something is wrong. or that it hurts. or that i'm sad. it's shitty enough, telling yourself. in these situations, things are always a lot worse than i expect. i'll be keeping my mouth shut and shedding this well-played part of drama queen. hope your ramadan was the best.

happy halloween.