i'm back from outer space

media law midterm = 99
documentary midterm = 101
media ethics proposal rewrite = approved

I think i'll even get that C i got in Psych 231 last semester appealed to a B if everything goes accordingly.

I've lost a bunch of weight and i haven't had alcohol in over 3 weeks. Things are going swimmingly with school. Halloween is this weekend. I'm as happy as is possible right now.


.
i slammed the car into a tree so we wouldn't go over the cliff. okay.

i am frustrated because i
keep having acid reflux which results in me waking up in the middle of the night and puking
my birth control has fucked up my period
i'm having trouble sleeping

it annoys me because i have been much healthier as of late, going to the rec center or jogging every day, and strictly dieting. yes, i've lost weight but it looks like in a lot of aspects my body is fucked up right now.

maybe i should just ditch the birth control. it's not like i'm getting laid anyway.

i did awesomely on my midterms; 99 in media law and im pretty sure i got over 100 on my documentary midterm.

i've been working a lot harder on school things lately. a 4.0 this semester would be wonderful

i've got to get my gpa up from a 3.6 to a 3.7 if i want to have any chance of getting into a good law school. i started this year thinking it would be my last real year of academics before grad school. i only have 12 classes left to graduate and i figured my senior year i could take all kinds of nonsense like dance and underwater basket weaving and just drink a lot. but now i'm realizing that im going to have to take a lot of philosophy and political science so it looks like i really am interested in law. And of course, the LSAT, which im going to need months of preparation for if i have any hope of doing well. sometimes i really wonder whether any of this bullshit is worth it.

then i think about things, and look at the hell hole minimum wage ice cream shop i work in. the cold stone creamery is a constant reminder for me as to why college is necessary.

i'm feeling very fickle about school right now. it's like my classes seem easy but i keep fucking up on stupid assignments, mainly because i don't really care. I got my progressive era reform paper back yesterday in poli sci and it was a B-. I know that's not a bad grade per se, but it's the lowest grade i've ever recieved on a paper ever i think. bleh. oh well, i think i did well on my midterms up to this point, so i'm going to let myself feel better once i get those back as i assume they are A's.

tonight i'm going out with my parents for my mom's birthday, and then i'm heading to fright farm with lucy and etc.

and tomorrow i get to go see US Supreme Crt Justice Ginsberg speak, which i am pathetically excited about. lucy's ex-boyfriend is picking me up... imagine that.

i'm also hardcore dieting and exercising. it was time; i've felt so unhealthy as of late. i'm also not drinking until halloween. i'm sure a lot of people are going to doubt me on that one, but it's FOREAL.

on that note,
EFFING URBAN OUTFITTERS AND UPS, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LOSE MY ADDRESS?! NOW I HAFTA WAIT AN EXTRA DAY TO GET MY SWEET BASTARD CHILD TEAL BOOTS!

tomorrow i'm going to cleveland with caity, lucy, mollie and brett to see weezer. i am thoroughly excited to get away from morgantown for a day or two. when i get back i have serious unending work and studying to do. i also just ordered boots i've wanted for 3 months off of urban outfitters. and i do believe i'm going to go buy a new stereo because mine is an asshole. god, it feels good to be self-centered. granted, it also feels out of character. but i think i'll go with it for a few more weeks.

erik is moving to philadelphia in a few days. so it's goodbye again. it's been a weird three weeks.

i was thinking about how important erik has been to me. two summers ago he inadvertently helped me through some of the worst times of my life. i can't say that about anyone else. i'm glad he's doing something irrational.

i remember how we used to get trashed before work and then be too trashed to even go to work. and we would smoke and i would say things that didn't make sense and he would write them down. there was something cathartic about some of the things we did. i think because we became friends when i was finally tired of being good and pleasing my parents; when i was being a lush and a tease and unattached.

with everything else the only thing i wonder is when the ratio changed from
me
over
everything

to

[some thing]
over
me

something clicked when i was talking with my mother and she said

if i don't let myself be happy now,
then when?

i think i'm doing well because honestly, i've been getting over things for two months now.

It has finally started to feel like you are always leaving me
Although this has always been the way it has been with you and i
But only now am I attuned to the signs
Of a door falling silently shut.

I surely love you, but I don’t know for how long
When I am waiting around for bad things and the worst days to happen
It really does degrade the romance potential of every second
And every hard won moment of the here and there days we share
until I’ve got to start pretending I am out of love

I never want to feel like I’m biding your time
I just thought maybe this time around
It would be all the hand holding I never had at sixteen
Something cautious and honest to make breathing easy but.

but
When you swivel around and next I know
It has gotten harder and serious and sexy
Like I am some grown-up that should take care
To display my graces before my fuck ups

Like when we baked cupcakes
And you told me things were going to be
As good as they could be

Like when you said so severely
you and me
i can tell we will be
We will be for a long time

And now you leave after days and hours compiled on end together
and it is more of an abandonment and I will think
About times we baked cupcakes
and the first time you said i love you
Or when you spun me around on your desk chair and
How we had fights with donuts and you smeared chocolate in my hair
Together

But this is all hard to swallow in the light of an empty space anticipated in my hands and heart
Coming closer by the promised days and weeks apart
I gulp with some strange anxiety and wonder when
You will make your move, or when I will make mine so bravely/so stupidly

Or I wonder how many more times I’ll see you leave
Until you have left for the last time. for the first time
I feel like
Sugar, you and I,
we are a long way from forever

circa 22 august 2005


Forever is over and it was from the beginning from the very first time you said i like your face. your hair. your lips. your wit. When you got in the car and drove away and i knew the sinking feeling was going to be a familiar one. And it can forever be forever documented as a huge leap away from some abyss where we are not permitted. forever.

it's a funny thing to say i love you anymore. because after the words come a lover who buys it all; picks the gun and the bullet. when naive lips moving don't have a feeling of what they're really moving

So here's the mirage of romance and coyclevermadeplans. Set in stone hands in hand, and hearts crazy and young; uninhibited, lost, genuine until promises can't be kept. and we'll go down. go down fast and hard or slow and swinging when it becomes something less than all time and all space.

i speak straight to myself in my head saying you could have
done and said and felt anything anytime and forever
and it would not equate to another worthwhile day of this
indecision and lack of feeling anything close to Infinite
or Loved.