i'm back from outer space

well, i've accomplished nothing thus far on break. i have ridiculous amounts of work to do. i'm sure i'll get it done eventually. i'll get my 3.8/4.0. i want to care about my grades, but i'm not sure that i actually do. it's more a matter of going through a set of motions, and keeping my parents at bay.

and then what? winter break, that's what. i go to new york the day after finals. something different, a change of scenery. then i'll come back home to this feeling, and no school work to distract me.

i have really grown to hate christmas, and the reasons why have grown so complex that i don't know them. there is a sense of satisfaction i get, knowing that this time, i can focus on me and not on him. and it won't be the same kind of lonely, that i've felt for the past 4 years in december. maybe this year will be something different. for the first time ever, i'm not spending xmas with the extended family at my grandmother's. they just sold the house.

maybe it's also foolish to think that my feelings will change just because of location. but for me that's often the case. love certainly knows its boundaries, geography matters. my heart is growing up. or wearing out.

i think there are so many do-overs in life, that we don't realize there are any at all. then we inadvertently fuck them all up.

i'm thinking i did the right thing, by not doing anything. it's not something i could ever get off my chest, and i wonder, who was i ever fooling? i have all these things pinned to me that i can't bring myself to pin on other people. i'm not complaining. i deserve it for being such an over-dramatic girl, with the inability to confess having any truth to her feelings. and you know, i don't know that anyone could tell me anything to make me believe that any feeling i have is ever anything close to legitimate. i'll hold things against the world in silence, nonetheless.

this blogging thing just gets more and more cryptic. this week will be over soon, and i won't mind.