i'm back from outer space

It has been almost two months since my last drunken phone call to the infamous. I am feeling the feeling that many people probably feel when they are knowing that the person who they loved so much not so long ago was never really wholly in their grasp. And that it does not matter either, because these things have a way of slow-dying resolution over the months and the years and the lifespans. I guess we don’t deserve any real closure on matters of the heart, or at least not until we are older. Being young is about leaving doors open maybe, and hurting for long periods. It’s about silent, sad goodbyes in hotel rooms in the small hours of the morning. It is about watching love die in a week and disappear on an airplane.

It is something like the feeling of a bandaid being ripped off so clumsily, repeating into some infinity.

i hate every single minute that i spend at work. i loathe it so, like nothing i've done for money before.

i got a 95 on my math test. i have gone all straightlaced and proper again, doing homework and other constructive things. hopefully this is foreshadowing of other aspects of this coming year and my actions and words to come.

i am rethinking my current status as a fuck-it-all, fire breathing weekend lush. i i i.

such the self-centered little bitch, huh?

so, fight for me. if it's what you want. you know, if i'm what you want. drunk and honest advice that should be taken. i like more than metal words and tight pants.

tomorrow i'm going to Pennsylvania because my grandmother is dying. i'm missing my first day of work. what can i say. things suck.

i sort of never want to hear from you again. if you asked me out now, i would surely say no. however, there was a point where i would've gladly dated you. you're chicken shit. you should ask me out just so I can say NO. NO. NO. NO. it was deeply satisfying, not hanging out with you today. not calling even though i said i would. sometimes I feel like I’ll always be the one holding the hair back and catching the falls, and never the one being held.

i've been fostering these ideas of things i have and have not done and seen and felt and wondered about like car rides to nowhere and the feeling of falling for new faces and places, so recently born. uncharted territory is a brave new addition to my proverbial road map. it gets boring and clouded, being so cautious of kind words and feelings for people.

my third grade etiquette concerning such accusations as -you like me- is something i should get past, but something i am not ashamed of.

tim is in my math class. erik and i drove around and did nothing. developed film with nothing on it. rented movies. i drank my last corona and giggled a lot. my mother is out of town. the first day of summer class is over. i start work next week. i feel more productive already.