i'm back from outer space

unresolute is the theme of my life right now

i am going to
have sex
get my heart broken
be successful
work
fall out of love

all in a future that i can not yet grasp
things are guaranteed to me, but are yet without beginning or end

it's like waiting forever, for something tangible
in the near future, but still
defined as forever
because it can not be held on to

i have nothing to say about any of it really
except that

i know having sex is not the best thing for me to do
not because i'm catholic or guilty

but because i am me and it will mean too much
although sometimes i think i might be okay
for it just meaning what it needs to

for it just being the extermination of my virginity
because it's hard to go on like this
virginal and vulnerable
because sometimes i don't feel like i am either of those

it's full circle again
to self-destructive and unhealthy
but this time i don't think i'll be as hurt
which leaves me bewildered

from the beginning i have been in this
kind of love that is soft and cautious
and i feel like maybe it should hurt a lot more
knowing it is ending or will be in time

but thus far i have overcome the melancholy days
and i don't have it in me to cry about it anymore
when i cried about tom forever and after
until mitchell kissed me

after this i think it's safe to say that
i will not want to fall in love again
until i find the boy i'm going to marry

but my sexual appetite will remain
insatiable, unfullfilled
although i may or may not
fuck a lifetime away


all i mean to say is
it's been a long time of broken promises
and stupid stupid games
and i'm not the same but not terribly different

less confused, less easily hurt, and smarter
you've had the best of me