i'm back from outer space

sucking it up. school is fine. other things aren't but i am appreciative of emotions unrelated to tom, regardless. i always end up back here. cover it up. and even if i wanted to expose my feelings i just can't speak the words. i remember at the beginning of speeches, my throat would tense and the first five words were hard to push out, unless i could find some focal point. focusing on school, grades, boys, politics, alcohol is a sorry excuse for a way out. i know it and i don't expect it to go anywhere, but i'd rather do it than not. the point is, i'm not denying how i feel about things anymore, but that doesn't mean i could ever let anyone know that something is wrong. or that it hurts. or that i'm sad. it's shitty enough, telling yourself. in these situations, things are always a lot worse than i expect. i'll be keeping my mouth shut and shedding this well-played part of drama queen. hope your ramadan was the best.

happy halloween.