Sunday, September 26, 2004
face offs; patience
i think things are for the best if i ignore my sex drive, heart, and emotions for the time being. by not touching anyone, i am the perfect balance of nothing and alone and empty and incomplete. i don't have to worry about incongruencies if there is no substance to my self.
it was pivotal for me, last year, when my father had his back surgery, and i was so upset. this tearing down of my male figure. and all the while i was looking for hands to hold on to, and tom did not offer his with anything genuine.
tom was a spineless asshole. a bastard to the highest degree.
someone that i love.
i am not sorry for a word of what i said. not one syllable. i am not sorry that i accidentally called him. i am not sorry that i was drunk. i'm not sorry that i told the truth, because it all felt right coming out of my mouth, slurred and hostile. i'm not sorry for feeling anymore, although i would certainly feel pathetic if he knew. i could be okay with my cellular device exploding.
my grandmother is dead, and it finally hit me, because i found this book i had that smells like her house. i'll never go there again. they sold it. i'm awful, for not falling apart a month ago and for not saying a word about it after the fact.
i don't understand my interactions with others and friends. it's no surprise, not like me to keep friends very long. even with erik, there is this lack of respect, fakeness and boredom involved in our interactions. most of the time the only reason we see each other aside from meals is to attend democrat-friendly events or so he can get drunk with the alcohol in our room. everyone else i associate with is preoccupied with terraforming mars or becoming a doctor. i should know better than to forge friendships with people as introverted or self-centered as myself.
i have never been this confused, lost and overwhelmed at any point in my life, aside from short periods in 8th and 10th grade. this is going on longer. it's nonlinear and serious. i lack people in my life that i respect and understand. it is hard for me to care about anything anymore, when all i want is to drop out of school and leave here, a completely unrealistic desire. so instead i sit around, am quiet about it, do my work and study for tests and every day i feel more insane and restless for doing nothing that feels close to right for me.
i have been doing this alone for a long, long time. i don't remember the last time i felt loved. or i do maybe, but it seems so far away that it isn't something i can grasp regardless, and i have to question it. it might as well all be divided up into inconsistencies. instances that don't add up when you place them side by side. i won't omit the details of everything that i am.
it was pivotal for me, last year, when my father had his back surgery, and i was so upset. this tearing down of my male figure. and all the while i was looking for hands to hold on to, and tom did not offer his with anything genuine.
tom was a spineless asshole. a bastard to the highest degree.
someone that i love.
i am not sorry for a word of what i said. not one syllable. i am not sorry that i accidentally called him. i am not sorry that i was drunk. i'm not sorry that i told the truth, because it all felt right coming out of my mouth, slurred and hostile. i'm not sorry for feeling anymore, although i would certainly feel pathetic if he knew. i could be okay with my cellular device exploding.
my grandmother is dead, and it finally hit me, because i found this book i had that smells like her house. i'll never go there again. they sold it. i'm awful, for not falling apart a month ago and for not saying a word about it after the fact.
i don't understand my interactions with others and friends. it's no surprise, not like me to keep friends very long. even with erik, there is this lack of respect, fakeness and boredom involved in our interactions. most of the time the only reason we see each other aside from meals is to attend democrat-friendly events or so he can get drunk with the alcohol in our room. everyone else i associate with is preoccupied with terraforming mars or becoming a doctor. i should know better than to forge friendships with people as introverted or self-centered as myself.
i have never been this confused, lost and overwhelmed at any point in my life, aside from short periods in 8th and 10th grade. this is going on longer. it's nonlinear and serious. i lack people in my life that i respect and understand. it is hard for me to care about anything anymore, when all i want is to drop out of school and leave here, a completely unrealistic desire. so instead i sit around, am quiet about it, do my work and study for tests and every day i feel more insane and restless for doing nothing that feels close to right for me.
i have been doing this alone for a long, long time. i don't remember the last time i felt loved. or i do maybe, but it seems so far away that it isn't something i can grasp regardless, and i have to question it. it might as well all be divided up into inconsistencies. instances that don't add up when you place them side by side. i won't omit the details of everything that i am.
