Thursday, May 13, 2004
boasts of defection
i am trying to figure out when every action of my life became so monumentally unfamiliar, alien to who i thought i was, without me realizing it.
i am trying to know what is wrong with me, in all senses. i am trying to understand why i could not just go on being the bri that was the bri. i recall the bri who wanted a relationship as opposed to sex, chinese food as opposed to liquor. i am not the bri of then. i am a bri that cannot sleep at night. i am wondering who i am now, drinking too often or much more than before, less affected or terribly in denial of my care and concern for others, alone and glad, seeking gratification in anyone, anything other than a human being i could actually have feelings for. i am trying to figure out just where the hell i went wrong. i went to the gym every day, i have lost weight, have become a healthier person. i met new people, good people. i made admirable grades, even after tom came here and tipped my sphere. i picked up the pieces and moved on. i am wondering how i will ever be able to trust anyone again.
not that i ever have feelings. for anyone.
so hard. to trust.
life is an alternately happy and sad proposition.
love is a sad one.
in this time and place and channel, there is nothing better to be me for.
i am trying to know what is wrong with me, in all senses. i am trying to understand why i could not just go on being the bri that was the bri. i recall the bri who wanted a relationship as opposed to sex, chinese food as opposed to liquor. i am not the bri of then. i am a bri that cannot sleep at night. i am wondering who i am now, drinking too often or much more than before, less affected or terribly in denial of my care and concern for others, alone and glad, seeking gratification in anyone, anything other than a human being i could actually have feelings for. i am trying to figure out just where the hell i went wrong. i went to the gym every day, i have lost weight, have become a healthier person. i met new people, good people. i made admirable grades, even after tom came here and tipped my sphere. i picked up the pieces and moved on. i am wondering how i will ever be able to trust anyone again.
not that i ever have feelings. for anyone.
so hard. to trust.
life is an alternately happy and sad proposition.
love is a sad one.
in this time and place and channel, there is nothing better to be me for.
