Friday, April 30, 2004
the electric kool-aid stagnation
i'm facing it. i have not been productive this semester at all. i didn't study and all this reading, well i'm soaring through it in a week because for some reason i care about my grades. saving face for parents and friends and faceless figures in the hierarchy of my bright and blinding future. grades, all pure luck this time around. i haven't slept more than four hours on a week night in more than a month, i don't mind if my lip gloss or mind is askew. i go to the gym 3 days a week instead of my admirable five days of first semester.
my weight is stagnant. i half-assed it all this time around. i'm carbed up, screwed over, in denial, and i'm not even going downhill. i am maintaining and i have to wonder if maintaining is worse then being stuck in the bottom of the ditch. at the lowest level a person wants to rise up above the degredation. but when the said being is midfield? it's not so awful not so perfect but not so bad. there are plenty of losers below me with faultering GPA's, and scholarships in jeopardy and failing relationships. i'm alright but.
i have done nothing this semester. it's good though that there is only this one week left, because i can feel it all falling apart, collapsing from the inside out. i can feel me giving way to the feelings of anxiety and apathy or empathy that i have ignored since february. i can feel myself shaking up. sleepless nights and out of town trips before finals and people with issues so falsely severe all in my face.
one week. 2 weeks and i'd be hard pressed to scrape by.
my weight is stagnant. i half-assed it all this time around. i'm carbed up, screwed over, in denial, and i'm not even going downhill. i am maintaining and i have to wonder if maintaining is worse then being stuck in the bottom of the ditch. at the lowest level a person wants to rise up above the degredation. but when the said being is midfield? it's not so awful not so perfect but not so bad. there are plenty of losers below me with faultering GPA's, and scholarships in jeopardy and failing relationships. i'm alright but.
i have done nothing this semester. it's good though that there is only this one week left, because i can feel it all falling apart, collapsing from the inside out. i can feel me giving way to the feelings of anxiety and apathy or empathy that i have ignored since february. i can feel myself shaking up. sleepless nights and out of town trips before finals and people with issues so falsely severe all in my face.
one week. 2 weeks and i'd be hard pressed to scrape by.
